![]() Cue a long scripted sequence during which you walk around your lavish apartment/suite while NPC’s try to deliver some boring exposition. It turns out that Duke was just playing a video game based on his adventures while receiving a fellatio from two teenage schoolgirls who were specifically designed to conform to the absolute minima of the uncanny valley curve. So you bravely run away from the enemies for about 5 minutes, at which point you are finally allowed to temporarily pick up a gun and kill a mini-boss… Only you didn’t really do it. Once you are done drawing penises and/or other vulgarities on the white board you proceed to run through some linear corridors while people are shooting at you, while you are denied any kind of offensive capabilities. I mean, what else would you draw on a white board in a game that starts in a bathroom with an interactive urinal, and a floating turd that you can fish out of the toilet and throw against the walls. Especially since what I’m drawing is not a battle plan, but a cock with a pair of balls and some green pubic hair. I guess it was supposed to be funny, but after about a minute it becomes supremely annoying. It’s a neat feature, which is instantly ruined by the guy behind you constantly gushing about how what you drew is the best battle plan ever conceived in the history of mankind. They are huddled around an interactive whiteboard that you can actually use to draw pictures. He won’t stop until you zip up, and move to the next room where there are more military type guys droning on about something. All I know is that after about 3 seconds of urinating, some guy walks by and starts running his mouth. Is it a self-referential jab at the quality of this title? I don’t know. Duke Nukem Forever, on the other hand starts with you pissing into a urinal. To put it plainly, the game catapults you into the action right away, and then never stops. Next you get to a fairly large street level you can explore to find a few hostile aliens, a titty bar and a few secret areas. The iconic opening of the original Duke starts with you crash landing on a roof after your ride was shot down, cocking your gun and then making a big gaping hole in the wall by shooting some exploding barrels. Let me paint you a picture here by comparing the openings of both games. But the game insists on getting between me and the fun. I’m not Gordon Freeman in this game – I just want to get to the part where I shoot pigs in the face. I honestly couldn’t care less about my mission, or about what the president thinks about the invasion, or listen to his bickering with general whatshisname. This is a game about pig aliens dressed as cops invading the earth, only to be kicked in the nuts by a guy whose mission in life is to kick ass and chew bubble gum (and he is all out of bubble gum). Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if there was stuff for them to talk about, but there isn’t. There are several places in the game in which you get trapped in a room with an NPC who is hell bent on delivering three solid pages of exposition monologue, before he opens the door for you. In fact, no one in this game can shut their mouth holes for five seconds. The new Duke just won’t fucking shut up, and every line that comes out of his mouth is lamer, cheesier and sleazier than the last. He was a man of few words – a quintessential action-hero of that bygone era: a muscular tough guy with a few choice one liners, and a whole lot of attitude. The old Duke had a few signature quips and one liners throughout the game, but otherwise remained silent. The charm of the game wasn’t really riding on it’s protagonists larger than life persona – it stemmed from the game play, art, level design and the humor. It was full of pop culture references, had fun, original wacky weapons (like the shrink ray) and lots of character. While other FPS games had you running through endless mazes full of angry enemies, Duke also had some of that, but threw in fun areas such as the strip joint where you could pay dancers to show you their tits. Back then being able to walk into a room, flip the light switch, piss into a urinal and then break the bathroom mirror on your way out was absolutely mind blowing. The thing about Duke was that it was pretty revolutionary – not just because of it’s theme, bad language and sexuality. How many of you played the original Duke Nukem? I know that some of you are my age or older, so I assume that we have a good number of readers that experienced the game back when it came back, or re-discovered it through some abandonware back-channels.
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